A Brief Description Of Why I Am Here At SF -MAY BE TRIGGERING-

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A Brief Description Of Why I Am Here At SF -MAY BE TRIGGERING-

Post  Jaimeisbroken on Thu Dec 18, 2014 7:01 pm

I REPEAT - THIS POST MIGHT BE TRIGGERING

I tried to make this as brief as possible but it ended up being quite long and for that I apologize. People tell me I am long winded, I guess they are right. :wink:

Last year September 2nd 2011 was a Friday and it was just a short while after my 10th grade school year began. In an effort to condense the next 23 hours into something short I will just give the basics of what happened.

My friends and I just got out of school and wanted to kick off the weekend with a trip to the mall so we could hangout and have fun. While at the mall we ran into a guy we went to school with. Neither of us really knew this guy other than knowing who he was. Basically none of us were friends with him or unfriendly with him for that matter.

This guy hung around with us for a few hours and he was paying more attention to me than my friends. That made me feel a little special. He was being really nice and SEEMINGLY respectful to me. After several hours my friends was ready to leave the mall and go home for the night, but I was having fun hanging out with that guy so I stayed at the mall with him and he offered to drive me home.

Everything was going good and as he was driving me home he pretended that his van was running badly and said he needed to pull over to check on it. He also asked me if he could use my cell phone so he could call his dad. He lifted up the hood and pretended to be checking out the engine, meanwhile I was still sitting in the passenger seat.

He climbed back in the van and from out of nowhere he punched me and dragged me into the back of his van where he physically and sexually assaulted me. I this took about 15 minutes.

I was trapped in the back of his van as he drove away. I could only assume he was taking me somewhere so that he could kill me and dispose of my body.

To this day neither the police or I know where he drove me. The only thing we know for sure is that it was in southern Indiana because of my cell phone records that the police acquired while investigating what happened to me in the 10 or so hours after dad reported me missing.

For the next 23 or so hours I was held prisoner in that guys van where he repeatedly assaulted me. In the process of this 23 hour ordeal I received the following injuries:
Swollen Eyes
Cut over my left eye that required stitches
Injuries to my wrists and ankles
Tears to my private areas
Broken left arm
Bruises on my arms, legs, back, ribs, throat, and face
A perforated bowel that required surgery
There was one other injury, but I have been unable to talk about that one, not even to my therapist.

I also became pregnant which I want to emphasize that I do not consider that to be part of the injuries.

After those 23 hours when he finally decided to let me go he drove his van in front of my home, opened the side door and pushed me out onto the street broken and naked. I honestly thought and somewhat prepared myself for my own death. I assumed he was going to kill me and he just wanted me out of his van when he did it. After I landed on the ground I sort of braced myself for being stabbed to death with his knife. As I heard his van drive away I felt so unsure if I was even still alive. I thought maybe he did stab me and I just hadn't died yet. It took me several seconds for me to even realize that I was on the ground in front of my own home. As soon as I knew where I was at I ran as best as I could with my messed up and broken body and burst through the front door where my dad and little sister were sitting.

As you can imagine dad was so happy to see that I was alive and home. He used a throw blanket that we keep on the back of our couch and wrapped me up with it. My memory for the next 30 minutes to an hours is kinda in a mush. I guess I was in shock. I do remember my dad asking a few questions. One question he asked was if I was raped. I don't remember if he asked that while we were at home or on the way to the hospital. I don't even remember getting into the car to go to the hospital. I don't remember answering him but he told me since then that I nodded my head, "Yes".

At the hospital I had a full examination including a Sexual Assault Evidence Collection Kit. I talked as best I could to the detective that was at the hospital. Between what I was able to tell the investigator, and what my friends said as far as who they last saw me with, the police had enough evidence to arrest that guy. He was in jail within a matter of like 2 or 3 hours after letting me go. No one knows why he let me go or why he didn't try to run from the police.

The next day the detective was given a more detailed account of what happened to me, and over the course of the next several weeks they got the entire story.

When it came time for that guy to plead innocent or guilty, for some undisclosed reason he pled guilty. He never offered an explanation why he chose to admit guilt.

In December he was sentenced and the judge over the case didn't grant him much leniency. If he is a good prisoner he will not be eligible for parole till 2038.

The school I attended at the time was like I said the same school that guy attended. He was a 18 year old senior. His half brother who was also his best friend also attended the same school.

The half brother harassed me in the hallway at school. At the time I didn't know he was the half brother. Once we found out who he was we went to court and filed for a court order of protection against him so that he could no longer legally contact me. I also transferred to a private school where I could enjoy my anonymity.

For that last 10 moths since this happened I have been going to therapy and trying to get all of this processed in my head so that I could live in some semblance of peace.

I had a blog for sharing my thoughts and emotions. I also had a Facebook account that was filled with people from various support forums. About 6 moths ago I began getting random messages on my blog and email that were rude in nature and somewhat harassing, but not freaky harassing if that makes any sense. About 2 weeks ago these messages and emails because rather disturbing and threatening in nature and by the wording this person was using I had reason to believe that the sender of these messages was actually the half brother of the guy who assaulted me. Dad called the police and they investigated it and I was right, it was the half brother. Due to the court order of protection that I had against him and the fact that he violated it on multiple occasions and those violations included direct threats against me, the police arrested him.

In the process of investigating him the police while searching his computer found all the evidence they needed and they also found some images of things stuff he shouldn't have had. For this to make sense I need to explain one thing that I didn't mention before. While I was in that guys van, he used my own camera phone to take pictures of me while he hurt me. It is those pictures the police found on his computer.

So now I am wigging out quite a lot because there is a chance I may need to return to court for this stuff. I couldn't let the half brother get away with hurting me, and I sure as he ll am not going to let this guy get away with having these kind of pictures of me. I am still scared of going back to court because I know it is going to bring up a lot of old memories that I have been working hard to put behind me.

I will know more about what roll if any I will have with the half brother and court this coming Monday when I meet with the prosecutor of his case. I am hoping it is nothing more than a formality for me to be asked questions.

Anyway, if you made it this far then I thank you for taking the time to listen. I am sorry that it wasn't as short as I meant it to be.

Jaimeisbroken
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A Letter To My Rapist - <slight trigger warning>

Post  Jaimeisbroken on Thu Dec 18, 2014 7:06 pm

I wrote this about 1 year ago which was a couple of weeks before he was sentenced.


Dear Sexual Assailant,

Why did you enjoy hurting me?
I can't even begin to understand the appeal of seeing someone suffer. You not only enjoyed seeing me suffer but you also clearly enjoyed being the cause of this suffering. There were many times where you weren't hurting me in a sexual way and only a physical way and you still became sexually aroused presumably by my out-loud cries and tears. Many times as I suffered the pain of your physical abuses I saw you become erect. Then because of the twisted person you are, you then satisfied your sexual urge by using me. What kind of person are you that you can see someone suffer and be the manufacturer of that suffering and be aroused by it?

Was it all premeditated?
Your actions, demeanor and attitude suggest that your cruelty was premeditated. You had a van that for lack of a better description had a torture chamber built into the back of it. You had a duffle bag full of things like rope, handcuffs, duct-tape, gags and tools. I can only presume that this was your personal version of a rape kit. How long did it take you to modify your van into a torture chamber? Was this something that you worked on for hours, days or weeks? Did someone help you or were you able to come up with all these plans on your own? You had a cooler filled with enough ice, food and drinks that you could have kept me with you for 3 or more days. Did you plan on torturing me longer than 23 hours or were you making sure you were prepared just in case you wanted too?

Was I specifically part of the premeditation?
I have tried so hard to wrap my head around what you did to me, but as hard as I try I can't seem to. We knew of each other but we didn't really know each other. You were an 18 year old student at my high school and we have seen each other in school but we weren't friends, we weren't even friends of friends. Did you see me at school and then start fantasizing about hurting me? Was this something that developed over time or did you instantly know that I was the one you wanted to hurt?

The night we ran into each other at the mall did you already know I was there or were you just looking for anyone you thought you could manipulate into getting into your van?

Were you going to kill me?
Many times while you were hurting me you made threats to kill me. You threatened to strangle me with your own hands and a few times you did choke me into near unconsciousness. You held a knife against my throat and laughed as you saw me cry. You threatened to handcuff me to a heavy weight and throw me off the bridge into the River. You even threatened to fill a water bottle up with Drano and force me to drink it or squeeze it into me like a douche. All of these threats I took serious because once you raped me 2 or 3 times I realized you were capable of anything.

Why did you let me go?
After all the times you raped, sodomized, molested, beat, threatened and tortured me you still let me go. Why would you do that? Did you not realize that I would tell the police what happened? Surely you realized that I had to go to the hospital as a result of your assault and that would lead to questions of what happened to me. Further you had to assume that the questions would lead to the truth and the truth to evidence collection and evidence would lead to your arrest. Did you want to be arrested? Did you want this before you assaulted me, during the assault or just at the end?

Why did you later confess?
When they arrested you it took only a few hours before you confessed to what you did, but as much as they tried to figure out the "WHYS", you were silent.

Are there other victims of yours out there?
Was I the one and only victim? How many others have you hurt and are they still alive? Did your intimidation keep them fearful and in a state of silence? Did you assume that I would be so scared of you that I would remain silent?

Do you regret what you did to me?
I can't imagine that someone could ever hurt another person the way you hurt me. I can't fathom it. I have tried to understand the "WHYS", but I obviously have too much sanity to understand the enjoyment of seeing people suffer.

At some point when you was hurting me did you regret what you did to me, and is that why you let me go and then later after being arrested confess to hurting me?

What I think of you.
I think you are very simple minded although you have an intelligence about you that gives you the ability to seem trustworthy but that's about it. I think each and every person in this world has animalistic desires but the vast majority of us understand right from wrong and we care about how our actions affect others. You on the other hand are a sociopath.

I think you premeditated most of what you did to me, but I think I was just at the wrong place at the wrong time. It just happened to be the same time you were on the prowl. I think if it wasn't me it would have been someone else. For that reason I am glad that you chose me instead of one of my friends or GOD forbid a child. I think you let me go because you were so sure that you had broken me and that I wouldn't turn you in. Once the police had enough evidence to arrest you I think you realized there was too much evidence and that's why you confessed. Sad thing is I imagine you confessed not out of regret or remorse, but as an attempt to manipulate the court system into thinking you're remorseful. I can't imagine that you could expect leniency after what you did to me, but then again I am not as fucked up as you are.

I am beyond the point where I am safe to assume that you will be in prison for many years. I could sit here with a very vindictive yet satisfying look on my face with the thought of you becoming the prison play toy, who gets passed around and used on a nightly basis by those much more physically powerful than you, but I don't want you to be used that way. I know what it feels like and I wouldn't wish that upon even my worst enemy, and yes, you're my worst enemy. Ideally you will become reformed, but since I don't think a monster could ever be anything but a monster, I simply hope that you will die of old age while still behind bars.

If I could ignore my humanity and all the things that make me the person I am, I would want you to be tortured to death. I am glad I have a conscious because I don't want to be as weak minded as you. I don't want to be so empty that I fill myself with anger and the suffering of others.

As much as I despise you with every fiber of my being, I still feel sorry for you. Not because you will undoubtedly feel the isolation of prison that separates you from society or that you will be surrounded by other monsters that may view you as prey. I feel sorry for you because you are incapable of understanding love. You are incapable of sharing love. If you can't understand or share love, you will never KNOW love. What an empty life that will be for you. While you face the day to day solitude of your loveless life, I will be surrounded with people who love me and people whom I love. That's what you were powerless to take from me, and still are powerless to take from me.

Jaimeisbroken
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