So alone =(

I'm not sure if I want to die, but I know I can't live this way anymore. I've had problems my whole life. I sabotage every good thing that's ever happened to me. I'm A 30 year old male who is married ! 5 yrs diagnosed bi-polar manic depressive while in jail. That was 4 years ago. Long before that I started self medicating with opiates. After 7 years I started going to a methadone clinic. My wife was also an addict. I pushed for her to start taking pills because I didn't like how she was when she drank. Now that we have been clean for 2 years she's been going out to the bar a lot over the last 2 weeks and its completely out of character. I don't think I would mind so much but she never seems to want me to go. She says she dose but never invites me. I've been a major burden for her because of my depression And I understand she needs time away by her self but it's killing me. I feel I'm losing her. I trust her compleatly. I'm Just afraid its to late and she's already gone. I don't want to live without her. I've felt alone my whole life untill we met. Once again I feel alone. I may be able to for a while, but the first time I see or hear about her being happy with someone else and knowing I just couldn't do it will kill me. I'm sick of crying. I don't feel like a man. I feel like a pathetic little puppy that thinks he's going for a ride but he's really getting dropped off at the pound. I'm trying to get help but the earliest appointment I could get with a psychologist is a month away. I don't know how I turned into the horrible person I've become but I hate myself. I can't rember what confidence is its been so long that I've had any. I've never completed anything and the one thing that it would kill me to fail at is my marriage. I used to be an attractive guy but my teeth are bad from drugs, I'm a lot older now, and I have no friends. Between isolating myself for her and pushing everyone away while I was still using, I have no friends or family that will give me the time of day. She is all I have. I wish someone would kill me so I don't have to do it myself and be remembered as a coward.