so desperate, so scared

I don't want to die. I just want everything to go away. I can't take another day of this. I am so scared of being hospitalized, I can't tell my psychiatrist how I really feel but I think I need medication. How do I explain it to him? Can I call a crisis hotline and say anything without fear of being turned in? What is it like if I do get hospitalized? Bad results with previous meds. I don't think I can wait for an appointment, I need help right now. I know the next step would be call 911 or go to ER when in crisis. I am too scared to do that. I think about drinking or drugging every day to kill the pain but haven't yet. I have no friends or support. My mind is so scattered it feels like it will explode. I don't know what to do. Please help me.