Please hold on? For what????

It has been 4 years since I have been hospitalized. Not a thing has changed. I'm 33 now. I don't get the teenagers as much or at least don't understand why they contemplate this when there is so much ahead. But at my age, I feel it is acceptable to throw in the towel and just be over with it. I see my therapist tomorrow, so nothing will happen tonight. But man, 4 years of downhill while watching all your friends get married, move on, and succeed while you're going backwards is a hell of a time.
Honestly, 4 years doesn't do it justice. It has been this way as long as I can remember. The only regret is not <mod edit- methods> when I should have. Now I have just dragged on through life like a dud, watching the members in my support group just kick butt and everything is the same ol story for me. Why is it socially acceptable to be around for your relatives when you you barely talk to them, no one really cares, and not just end it? It does suck for them for a bit, but it sucks for you more.
It would have been so easy. <mod edit =- methods> No heaven or hell BS, just back to the mud as meat. It is going to happen one of these days so what am I waiting for? Miracles or a god that clearly don't exist? My wedding day that will never happen? Or any sort of promotion that doesn't occur? Facing this, I know I am damaged goods. Smelling the flowers and all that BS works for kids. Tell that to a burned out adult, they just get more pissed off.
Life is a scam, and I would never bring another being into it. Anyone who doesn't see it the same way has been too lucky and disillusioned. Or maybe that is the difference between me and the alpha male. Whatever, when my parents are gone I'm looking <mod edit - methods>. Screw this.