when is it finally time?

it's so quiet right now - everyone still asleep, cats resting, no tv, no noise from the AC - just traffic when cars go by

so alone - that's what it will always be - even if i'm surrounded by people

i try, not sure why any more

i don't do grocery shopping - last night people wanted dinner, so i hunted through what was left and came up with ziti and spaghetti sauce

everyone ate except my wife - she was angry and yelling at me because there was no protein and that i should know she can't have an all-carbs meal and that she would be better off not eating - few minutes later she got in the car and went out to get herself some food

this is what i look forward to on a daily basis - on one hand it makes me angry but the larger part of me says it's what i deserve

i want to get into my car and drive east until i can't drive any more then keep going until the land runs out - then keep going until my strength runs out

not my usual choice of method - does that mean i'm growing as a human being? (ha ha)

trying to hold on for so long - one daughter graduates college this year, other a year and a half later - trying to keep it together until they are out of school but not sure i'll be able to

always in pain, should be used to it by now, but nights like the last always twist the knife a little more - when will it be okay to let go? how much longer do i have to try to not die?