I need help with this. (may trigger)

I seriously need help with this.

Four years ago I got drunk with someone who was a friend at the time, I always had feelings for him and we ended up sleeping together one time, THAT time was consensual.

As the evening went on it happened again, except this time something was different. Something, I don't fully remember what, but something scared me I think it was the look in his eyes (we were very drunk). It was like it wasn't him. I suddenly got very, very scared and tried to stop it.

Now, I don't remember all of it but I remember three things that bothers me about what happened. I remember being very frightened and saying to him "you're scaring me!!!" but he carried on. Any decent man would stop if a woman said that to them. I can't remember why I said he was scaring me, but I vaguely remember saying "no" to something. I also remember him roughly making me give him oral sex but I was too drunk and scared to do anything, he basically just grabbed me.

Why did I say "you're scaring me" and why didn't he stop the moment he heard that? Those questions haunt me to this day. Guys, if a girl was having sex with you and said "you're scaring me!!" wouldn't you stop? I don't fully remember why I said it but I must have been trying to get him to stop.

I was lying on the ground and I remember him standing over me menacingly, with what looked like a branch. I remember trying to get up thinking what the fuck is going on... and being hit to the ground again by him. I literally got to my feet to stop the whole situation and got knocked back over. The next thing I remember was lying there frightened and having underwear torn off me while trying to think "it will be over soon" like reassuring myself. I don't want to go into it too much, but we were in a park, and I was just lying there with bits of twig and leaves and dirt being pushed into me. I didn't consent to that and I didn't ask for it and I had been knocked to the ground for this to happen.

He was so drunk I finally got some courage and got away. I basically ran to this bus stop, phoned him and started screaming "What the fuck just happened what did you do to me?!" I confronted him by phone time and time again after that and he insisted "nothing happened" as if I was going mad. I knew something had happened hours after sobering up because my underwear had been torn off. Why would he have to lie to me if he had done nothing wrong?

I remember lying there the next day thinking "If I didn't love this guy so much, that would have been rape!" Well no, no matter how much you love someone if you say "no" or they do things to you you haven't agreed to, not to mention knocked you to the ground, a clear sign of wanting to get away. I told him I was frightened and that should have been enough not to mention the other stuff!

Well I didn't want to see it like that. I convinced myself that I had slept with him, and that that was it. I ignored all the other stuff until a news story covered the topic of rape and it brought it all back to me. We had been friends for years you see, I just didn't want to admit what he did to me. I even heard rumours that he was very forceful with a girl who was passing out at a party once, aggressively and persistently trying to touch her up when she was nearly unconscious etc but I didn't believe it at the time.

It took me so long to realize what that night truly was.

The problems I am having today are weird feelings of guilt, because I eventually told my parents. I feel like I've hurt them by doing that. I also don't remember the entire thing, but the bits I do remember scream of rape to me. The fact that I don't remember it clearly, but just certain parts clear as day is messing with my head.

I seriously need help with this guys, it's haunting me