bad nightmare

had a terrible night terrror again this nihgt.. used to have them everynight so guess is better these days.. now only cou8ple of times ayear.. the trying to get out of these is really hard .. like am imprisioned and all the rape, bondage and torture goes on fulll stream.. then when finhally break out the transitory period figuring out was just a dream and none of it was real takes some time.. thhey so seldom now that i get to thinking "gee maybe they done now!!" welll they probablyu will never be totally done.. the bad stuff went on too long for me to ever fully recover from it all..

john heard me and i woke up with johnny''s hand on my shoulder as i bolted up in bed.. after lighting a cigar i called the crisis line and lynn my friend there picked up the phone.. been talking with her for years now and god bless her she knows all of me now.. the good , the bad and the inbetween stuff also.. thank you honey..

hugged and kissed zoomies nose 3 or 4 times so far.. listening to some good tunes that are able to grab me in many good places..

TRIGGER..

i am a milittary son of an highly placed US Air Force officer.. i was never able to serve in the armed services because i have had forever a servere case of DID.. dissociative identity disorder... i got this from what this military officer did to me and my sister.. later part of his service was command of a bomb wing of B'52 plaes loaded withj atomic bombs. later he said down in an undrground buried missile launch control center with his and his partners fingers poised over the launch butto\ns for ten minuteman nuclear misssiles. in both positions he would have launched an attack. i did not and still do not understand that.. killling millions of innocent people i will never understand.. this parnoid pscyhopath would not ahve given forth with a sigh. just push..

he and my mom have been dead for more than 12 yrs now.. do not hate them from afar. i just do not think of them anymore except for the occasssional night terrors and flashbacks. seldom now thank goodness .. there are sometimes when i just cannot avoid remebering them.. there are holes in my life and body and mind. i will always be damaged goods. this is better now but these deficeits i will always have.. facts of life..

i just do not understand why some human beings can willfully do some of the things they do to other innocent people???? previously i ran a website for these innocent sufferers with a dear friend and survivior. we both stopped doing this about 7 yrs ago.. also i usually avoid this rape and abuse forum on SF .. too many memories to be triggered and find myself in a warlike state;... just keep tryijng to move on best i can and keep going.. Jim