Near the end of the year...

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Near the end of the year... Empty Near the end of the year...

Post  Citizen Insane on Fri Dec 19, 2014 12:13 pm

Hey guys, Kenneth / Citizen Insane here...

I'm almost always active in chat, but I felt like writing on the forums again.
Been a while since I've done that.

Going through yet another rough time by the end of the year, this time it's a bit more complicated.

I've been in a very toxic relationship with my mother and it took me a very long time to realize it. I'm 24 years old now, I'm ready to terminate all forms of contact with her.
No more real life meetings, telephone conversations or whatever.
I just can't live with myself knowing that there's a person out there whose sole purpose is to only create anxiety and headaches in my life and that I'm in a relationship with that person, who happens to be my mother.

It might sound very very hard and I'm not sure if I should write this, but..
The next time I will see my mother is when she has passed away.

All the good memories are just gone like that. I can only see the absolute negative side of her now.

Latest and final text message from my mother was this:

""Kenneth, you are goddamn lazy and you stuff yourself with shit (eating). And you are sick in your (censored) head and go to let yourself get hospitalized in a mental hospital forever and ever.
Why don't you go and eat day and night, that is your single purpose in life. (censored) Fat (censored) moron.""

She has said things like this before and even worse things in emails and text messages... But I don't know how to block her text messages, I'll ask my mental health worker tomorrow or someone else.

For a long time, I could not see the truth. I just could not believe that the person who I once cared for, had changed this much. Either she has become mentally ill like myself... or she's just dead inside.

That would explain a few things, it might run in the family.

I'm just done. Life is too damn short for this kind of nonsense.

I'll type/post some more tomorrow in this thread. I just needed to write this off for now.

Ending this for now, with an excerpt from a song lyric. Artist: Blueneck - Song: Anything other than breathing - Album: King Nine (2014)

we slowed down your breathing
you sleep less uneasily

""i wont bother now
i will mourn you then walk away
it’s time that you slipped away
showing that youre fake
the shame

you wont beat me
i’m better now
i will be the better man
seems to me
i’m best alone
i’ll be breathing eternally""

Citizen Insane

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