A repeating cycle

Sometimes I think I have things to live for, but then I realize I don't. I'm all alone and I can't stand the oppressive silence and loneliness. I try to get to know people, but they quickly tire of me, because I am just a boring person. People tell me to open up to them, but then I get shunned, mocked, or ignored. I am constantly having my feelings invalidated and being rejected and it just makes me feel like a bad person. I have had a very hard time lately, and have had no one to talk to, despite repeated efforts of reaching out. Friends say they are busy and don't have time to talk, but then I see them talking with other people. It makes me feel like I am inadequate and unimportant. My mom told me she is scared to sleep with me around. I guess because I would kill myself, she thinks I would hurt others, when really I wouldn't even hurt a fly. Well, maybe a fly, but you get my point. I just know that I have to give in to the feelings of destruction and self-annihilation that have become so powerful, I can no longer reign them in. When every waking moment is filled with ways on how to top myself, I just see that as the most sensible choice.