No connection with anyone

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No connection with anyone

Post  Dark on Fri Dec 19, 2014 11:54 am

Anyone else have absolutely no one they feel "close" to? That isolated feeling when you're in a social event full of people, but you don't recognise or know anyone there. That is my life, constantly. I feel like I have nobody. There are people around me.... but I just don't feel any attachment to them whatsoever and I know that might sound selfish and arrogant, but I desire to feel close to at least one person in my life. It seems every time I make an attempt to socialise and assimilate into social groups or society.... it backfires and am an exiled outcast over and over again. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, it feels like I'm "cursed"... I go in a group, meet people or a place with an open mind and it may be going positively and smoothly in the beginning, but in the end, a complication pops up.... forcing me or them to not want to keep in contact anymore.

In hindsight, it was a lot easier to make connections during my High School Years, but I've lost contact with all of my "friends" now. It seems a lot harder, because I have no more motivation meeting new people, due to it always ending on a negative note.... I guess I'm numb and desensitised from having a "connection" with somebody. I am able to go out with the same people repetitively and go out by myself... but it requires huge effort and motivation on my part. This isolation is killing me inside.... I mean, I just want to be friends with a loyal, open-minded and friendly person and have a bit of an attachment.... but unfortunately it's too much to ask. I have more friends online than in real life, but it's very hard to feel connected because it's such a limited medium. I've constantly made suicide plans.... because it is literally torture to feel so isolated. There are undoubtedly many people in tough situations, but it seems they always have someone to lean on and someone they can trust and open up to.

I'm sick of talking to helplines.... where it seems the person doesn't care and is abrupt in ending the call, unless you're suicidal, in which case there's a high chance, you get chucked in the back of the ambulance.... and put in a mental health ward. I have mental health support, but they feel limited and just doing "their job", so it doesn't feel genuine. I'm just exhausted from have to start fresh again and again, as far as relationships are involved... It feels like I don't belong in this world and I do try my best to fit in. But, I'm so socially awkward it's hilarious. I can't live the rest of my life as a hermit and feel like I'm the victim to society. That seems to be what I'm descending more and more into day by day. Isolation and loneliness is like a holy shield with spikes.... it protects me from getting hurt again, but at the same time it makes me feel like I'm not getting anywhere with my life or making progress in relationships like "everyday" people. It seems like I lose no matter what choice I take. I have a suicide plan in place that will be painless and guaranteed to succeed.... and it is very tempting to take it. And I know there is friends and family too, which is why I'm not doing it, I guess.... but I don't feel any connection to any of them... it feels like I'm living my life for them rather than myself.

Dark
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