No memories, but don't know what to make of this. LONG

Okay I have known about my alters for nearly a year now and still no one has any concious memories of anything that may have caused the psyche split. And I am getting so impatient, I'm sick of wondering, did this person hurt me? Being scared to visit family members in case it was them, just everything, I need to know what happened and I can't remember no matter what I do.

Is there any advice anyone has, books, anything? That can help me with this? I'm going crazy from it.

Also, how good are therapists at finding repressed memories? How do they do it? I can't help but fear when I finally get into therapy, my therapist will be useless, like every psych I've ever visited.

Kaz x

I have alters but I don't know what caused my alters, don't have memories, flashbacks, and nor do any of my alters. I have suspicions but that is all they are. Part of me thinks maybe I was abused but that's only about 10%, I feel pretty convinced that I wasn't because of the sheer lack of memories or anything. The point of this post is me wanting to know if what I go through is normal or if it does suggest I was abused?

Firstly, *I* have a lot of difficulty with sexual activity. Before I found my alters, I was okay with sex most of the time, as if my alter was taking over and doing it for me, but ever since I found out I have alters over a year ago, I have only managed to have sex with my boyfriend twice - my alter Sophie does it most of the time, and some other sexual alters. I feel really triggered by sex if I try to have sex or if my BF tries to initiate.

Secondly, even back then, sometimes I would freak out completely. Mostly involving oral sex either way. I remember when I was at my first serious relationship, I was with the guy two years, 14-16 and we were sexual the whole time. Mostly I would be fine and then sometimes I would be giving him a blowjob or vice versa and I would just freak out and start crying.

It was very rare, and over the past year, Sophie has been mostly fine with sexual activity, other than a few times of what I explained above. But the past few times we've done anything Sophie has been very triggered... Mostly when receiving oral sex or when he touches/kisses/whatever my breasts. It's just like it triggers and she just really wants him to stop, but most of the time doesn't say anything and just lets him keep doing it, unless she feels so bad that she starts to cry...

Would this happen in someone who hadn't been abused? I mean, some stuff did happen to me, my first boyfriend at 13 used to pull my top off and play with my breasts even though I'd tried to tell him no, eventually I just let him get on with it even though I didn't like it. Should have left him but I stayed with him 2 months even though he did this on the day we got together.

My second boyfriend who I was with for a week put his hand in my pants and got me to put mine in his, using pressure. I nearly ended up having sex with him due to this pressure but got the courage to leave him.

Then I had a long-distance boyfriend who I met up with twice. The first time all was fine, the second time he nearly raped me in a park. It was slightly my own fault though, I did lead him on a bit, say I wanted to have sex, but then when he started coming onto me I freaked out and didn't want to do it, he didn't take no for an answer, pulled me top off in some bushes and sucked on my breasts etc and then put his hand in my pants and started playing with me, and then got his cock out and wanted me to play with that. I kept telling him to stop but he wouldn't. Eventually his parents rang him wanting to meet up, so then I took the opportunity to put my top back on which disappointed him. I told him he'd better go meet up with his parents, so we went to meet them where I had to pretend everything was okay and pose for photos with him and his little siblings.

Then I had an incident with a boy I didn't even know when I was going over to a potential boyfriends house. He asked me to come with him a sec, I was scared and didn't know what to do so I let him lead me off into a quiet back street where he pushed me against a fence and forced his hands into my top and bra and tried to get in my pants repeatedly and I kept pulling his hands off me but he just kept doing it until I eventually convinced him to stop and let me go.

That was all years ago, the last one was 6 years ago, but then last year, I broke up with a boyfriend I had recently and I was meant to be staying at his after a night out since a taxi back to mine was expensive so a male friend offered to let me stay at his that night. During the night out he kissed me, constantly, barely let me talk to any of my friends that were there because he constantly wanted to me on me and making out with me and picking me up and kissing me against walls and whatnot. When we got back to his he decided we would have sex and it took me saying no four times, and I almost ended up giving up and having sex with him because I find it really, really hard to say no to people more than once... The more I have to say no the harder I find it so if I have said it like 4, 5 times I just give up and submit. Luckily for me he couldn't get the condom on (he told me he had never used a condom before in his life - gross) and I wasn't on the pill so he just gave up and we went to sleep. I told him a few days later how I'd felt and he got really angry and said that what I was accusing him of was disgusting and that I was just lying and making stuff up (despite me saying no four times) because I'd "helped him try to put the condom on" but I only did that after I'd said no at least four times and eventually gave up saying no because he wasn't taking it for an answer...

Now I know these incidents are at age 13+ so they couldn't have caused DID, since DID is rooted in childhood, and I don't think they're the cause of these triggery feelings Sophie get during oral sex because I was never made to partake in oral sex in any of those incidents. Is it normal for normal women to get these feelings or is it just even more evidence that I was abused in childhood? (alongside with depression, possible bipolar or borderline, adolescent trichotillomania, self harming, dissociative identity disorder, my alter having an addiction to abuse (loves being raped and hurt and just abused in general?)

I don't even have a therapist to talk it over with because I'm still on a bloody long waiting list. I just wish I knew.

Kaz x

I used to be fine for example being on a night out and being grabbed by my mates etc. But ever since I broke up with my abusive ex things have changed... I have one friend for example who always grabs me/pokes me in the sides etc... It triggers me and scares me when people grab me suddenly... Last night was worse, I was on a night out and I was feeling particularly triggered and people just seemed to keep grabbing me randomly, even after I said stop it, stop it, stop it, they don't listen, because they don't know why it would bother me so much... Especially when it's people that I don't know well enough to explain why I don't like being grabbed... Sigh...