I'm not a freaking joke.. *TRIGGER WARNING*

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I'm not a freaking joke.. *TRIGGER WARNING*

Post  Tokky on Thu Dec 18, 2014 6:20 pm

This post is just a bit of story telling... Just some stuff I'm hoping to get off my chest and kinda get advice for it. It might be longer than I hope, but please just bear with me.

I'll just jump right into it: When I was about 4 or 5, my family and I moved from Germany to Kansas, and my grandparents of my mothers side moved in with us for a while. My grandfather was a drug abuser, and would steal and sell some our stuff around the house to get money to support his addiction, and I think it was his drugged up state that caused what happened between me and him. I don't really want to go into huge detail about it, but he sexually abused me for a few weeks straight, which I knew at the time was wrong, but didn't know how to tell anyone at the time, so for years, I didn't.

They stayed with us for about a year, and my parents never noticed anything "wrong". They moved out when we moved to North Carolina, and it all stopped since we weren't in the same household. I still didn't tell anyone until I was about 12, mostly because I didn't think anyone would believe me. Due to my obviously excellent luck, I was right.

I finally told my parents, and they went hysterical, especially my mother. They accused me of lying, and just wanting attention, and that I should be ashamed for trying to betray my family like that. It completely broke my heart, and that's when I started cutting. Since then, we've been quite dysfunctional. My parents have been physically and emotionally abusive towards me, but once again, with the glorious luck I have, my story gets worse.

During my freshman year, I started dating a nice senior boy, who knew a little bit of my issues at home, just not of my grandfather. He was supportive and seemingly nice during the first month, but then, he grew aggressive, mostly because he wanted to have sex and I just wasn't ready. He became very abusive, just as bad as my parents, and would constantly tell me I'm nothing and tell me I'm just a joke. I stayed with him, mostly out of fear, because he would tell me in front of people (in a "joking" way) that if I left him, he'll kill me. No one seemed to see that as a red flag.

Well, about 6 months into the relationship, he grew angry that I wouldn't "give myself to him" and while I was at his house, he brought me upstairs to his room to "show me something" and started punching me over and over, until I passed out. I woke and he was on top of me, I tried to fight back, but he would either pin my arms or just punch me again. He drove me home, and before I left, he told me he enjoyed himself, the fucking pig... My parents didn't notice anything, nor did they care. My closest friend grew concerned, and finally gave me the courage to break up with my abuser. He didn't argue or anything, just called me a ***** and it was over. But since then, I've been way too scared to tell anyone, much less the police or my parents. So I haven't.

I'm now engaged to someone else, who knows of my parents abuse, and that my one of exes was abusive. However, that ex has gotten back in contact with me, apologizing for everything that happened and asking for another chance... Luckily, I'm not dumb enough to go back. Every time I tell him no, he starts calling me a ***** and saying the same stuff he said when we were dating. I told my fiance, and he grew furious and threatened the ex with a lawsuit and that if he touched me again, he'd regret ever knowing me. This brought a very strong trust between us, but I don't know if I should tell him about the rape, out of fear he would laugh and call me a liar. And, I just don't know how to tell him. I've seen a therapist since then, but it honestly didn't help me much and I couldn't really afford the sessions, so I gave up on that.

I still cut, and my fiance knows this, and hates it. He's told that every time I cut, he'll do it himself, and that usually gets me to stop for a while, but I always fall back into it, and I've found myself contemplating suicide due to the ex coming back into my life. I love my fiance, but I don't want him to have to put up with all this. I'm just unsure at this point. I've thought about turning in my ex, but I think at this point all evidence would be gone and no one would believe me. (The phrase "Your nothing but a joke" has really stuck with me throughout all this)

I'm sorry it this was extremely long, its just hard to summarize stuff like this any shorter. Thank you so much for reading, and any advice you can give me is really appreciated.

Tokky
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