Haphephobia [fear of touching].

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Haphephobia [fear of touching].

Post  truthhurts on Thu Dec 18, 2014 6:18 pm

Okay so, i shud mention that i'm not too sure if this is in the right place, i apologize if this isn't the correct thread for it.

So, i'll start with a little bit of background. I don't think i've been sexually abused. Also, physically, it's questionable as to what to call 'abuse', and also, my memories of my overall childhood are quite vague, and i've begun to think that maybe some of these are false memories. well, i don't rly kno that. i've heard from my mother of some 'episodes' concerning my childhood, some of these i remember quite clearly, some more or less not at all. and as for my main concern - what effect these 'episodes' had on me, i can't rly say, cause i don't remember. and because i was little, i obviously didn't rly analyze this stuff either. i do want to regain some memories for clarity, but i'm also afraid this might 'create' memories.

well, as to the 'episodes' i mentioned, my father has some schizophrenic lines, meaning he gets all these irrational baseless doubts, and without listening what is said back, he just goes at his own thing [meaning it's like talking to a wall when trying to rationalize with him when he gets like that]. and so, from years back he's had these 'violent outbreaks' or what-shud-i-call-them. usually he just yells and breaks furniture [lamps and the like], but sometimes as i've heard [and as i remember about a couple times], he has also used force against his family members. i remember being lifted and 'thrown' during one incident, though i don't remember anything as to why this happened or what was before or after. i don't rly kno if he's 'hit' anybody.. oh.. now that reminds me that my mother said something about that. i don't kno if it was about me or someone else, but if i remember correctly then he hit someone with the back of his hand. and from the more recent years he once strangled my mom while she was driving, but well there's another story about that [mom cheating emotionally, dad finding out and cheating physically with 3 ppl and him being jealous and so on..]. oh and all the 'physical stuff' with me in particular was when i was really little. meaning before school years. after that it stopped.

and now finally to the main point of this particular thread. i just recently discovered there's an actual name for this - haphephobia. before i just thought that i'm 'vary' of touching or just, as some people refer to is, not very touchy-feely. well, generally, it's not just that i prefer not to be touched, but that it gets really uncomfortable. also for example, i accidentally elbowed my sister in the stomach once when she tried to hug me from behind. i feel pretty bad about that, but i cudn't help it, it was automatic. the extent that the 'uncomfortability' gets to depends though. for example it's a bit easier with little kids, or also when i kno about it in advance and get time for 'mental preparation'. whenever someone accidentally or otherwise suddenly tries to touch me [worst of all, hug me], i just feel like i want to 'back off' or get away from there. it's not like veeery bad though, meaning i don't get panic attacks or shock or something like that [which is really good]. but like, more or less excessive shivering [especially in the hands and legs], shortness of breath, feeling faint or queezy and such.

well, the thing is that i kno this 'fear' is irrational, since nothing bad would happen to me because of such contact, nor do these people want to harm me. it's actually sad for example because my mom is really touchy-feely and wants to hug me from time to time, but i can't help but evade it somehow, cause i just really really don't want it [though it's nothing personal], and she think that means i dislike/hate her. she's been pretty sad about it. tho i do [very rarely] let her hug me, cause i kno that she needs it for some reason [tho i got 2 other sisters]. well, problem is that i don't kno the reason behind all this, i kno this is irrational, and by what i read yesterday, it seems to happen mostly to people with sexual abuse and such [or physical], but i don't rly kno what my case is anyway. i have been thinking about this 'abuse' thing for a long time already, but i really don't wanna jump to conlcusions since i don't really remember much. just that looking at all kinds of 'symptoms of disorders' and such, a lot of them seem to apply to me. emotional numbing for example, meaning that i don't rly fully 'feel' a lot of things that i go through. but that doesn't specifically mean i've been abused. also a lot of PTSD and such symptoms, but well. i don't rly kno what to think. i don't want to label myself something i'm not, or make this into a bigger deal than it is.

if anyone has idead as to this haphephobia subject, or has experience lack of memories about their childhood, or just anything concerning this, all ideas are welcome.

and i sincerely apologize for this very long and confusing and likely-non-sense-making message, but thanks in advance if u're willing to read this and think about it.

Best wishes to everybody and stay safe~
-EijiSama~

truthhurts
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