My first memory

I was standing in the bathroom watching my dad slap the hell out of my mom. He leaves her on the bed crying and I go to her to try an make her feel better. My old man was a mean guy. He didn't even have the decency to be a drunk. At least he could have a bullshit excuse, but no was just cruel.

I remember when i was nine i finally got the nerve to call the cops. I'm not sure how i felt after they had put him in the back of the car, but when the officer sat down with me and my little brother to give us advice. I remember him saying "when you guys see your dad's drunk just go with your mom and leave the house." I had to let him know my dad didn't drink he's just always angry.

Oh when i was six i was molested. It was at my cousins house It was their uncle. I was in bed and he got in and he pulled my pants down and stared touching me. I was so scared i shit myself, shit the bed.(good defense mechanism as any i guess)My aunt finds out and they pull me out of bed and throw me in the cold shower and i get yelled at.

I'm a thirty year old male but I'm not a man. I'll never be a man. A man would have started fighting. stood up for himself, stood up for the people he loved, but i didnt i was scared.

I guess i just wanted to share some of the many reasons as to why I'm a fucking loser. If my death meant that shit like this doesn't happen to another little kid I'd kill myself off in a heartbeat. But none of this means anything. I'll just carry this pain then die and nobody will give a fuck.